over[exerted]-achiever

I’ve literally (yes, literally) been in bed the last two days, sick with a head cold. I haven’t been bedridden; just, in bed. I’ve been trying to simply let my body get the rest it needs, instead of pushing it to do things it doesn’t need to do–which would only prolong the stuffy nose, sneezing, and general miserable-ness that comes with being sick. I also live with other people, and trying not to get them sick seems like the right thing to do, no?

So, I’ve confined myself to my bed as much as I could…which is hard for an over-achiever to do. But this overall season of my life seems to be one of making myself rest. Not from being sick, but from over-exerting myself for the last–well, lifetime, really.

Ever since I could remember, my life has been oriented toward achieving things. Good grades, stellar school projects, first place ribbons. College degrees, stamps in the passport, loans paid in full. End-to-end cycling roads, hiking challenges, camper conversions. Workflow efficiency, job titles, accolades. I am driven to achieve.

But I find now, day after day, that I am just. plain. tired. I have a list 35 years long of all the things I’ve done, places I’ve seen, and goals I’ve accomplished. I even left my last job not only because it was no longer a good fit for me, but because I felt like I could accomplish more by doing other things–things I was (and still am) passionate about.

Yet here I sit seven months later–laid up in bed for two days straight, no less–and the short-circuit in my head keeps buzzing with, “Yeah, and what do you have to show for it? Why haven’t you done something already?”

And the only answer I have to those accusing words is, “I’m resting.”

“For six years you are to sow your fields and harvest the crops, but during the seventh year let the land lie unplowed and unused. Then the poor among your people may get food from it, and the wild animals may eat what is left. ”

Exodus 23:10-11

I had to stop and chew on that verse for a bit when I came across it several weeks ago. I found it rather ironic that I was at that last job for six years…and now here I am, just wanting some rest. Needing rest. Not just from that job, not just from being sick, but because this purpose-driven life longs for a season of lying fallow.

There will be work to do again some day, of course. There are plenty of good works that God has prepared in advance for me to do (Ephesians 2:10). But in advance, not right now. Because right now, the soil of my soul is sapped; I have nothing left in me with which to do those works. No strength, no resources, no fervor. To plow myself into doing a million things as usual would produce dried-up sprouts and scraggly vines.

Seasons only last a little while, and then the next one comes. So I don’t want to waste this precious time by pushing myself to “get ahead” or “get things done.” If someone needs what little I have or if something comes out of what is left, then so be it; the fallow field still produces fruit. But doing is not the focus. All I want is to walk gently through this season holding the hand of the One who is making me lie down in green pastures.